A Gay Teenage Dream
This article is based on a true story though the headline is actually inspired from Katy Perry’s song, “a teenage dream”, sang by Boyce Avenue, a very calming and inspiring piano acoustic version. Listen to it here.
The song brought back to me visions from my teenage hood and my first unlabeled gay thoughts.
I remember I was 13 years old, I was so passionate and good at my biology class; somehow in my head I cherished that class to avoid turning into a copy of my father who was good at literature rather scientific subjects. I so disliked my father at those maturing years.
I remember we were studying animals’ sexuality; we had chicken as an example. I remember the professor explaining the whole adventure in which sperm cells go through to reach the female egg but in imaginary words. There were no graphs or photos what so ever.
At that time, she said nothing about penetration and for a quite a long time I was unaware of the meaning of the word sex or how is it practiced.
For a long time, I thought that the sperm will be ejaculated by the cock, crawl on the floor and it would magically find it’s way to the chicken’s legs, climb up and access it’s vagina and hoppa, you get some eggs! I was so naively fascinated by that.
One of my cousins was married to a farmer. They lived near the sea too. They had some chicken; we used to visit them almost every summer to get away from the city and while I was in class I wondered how I missed seeing that sperm crawling on the floor. I spent some time feeding and watching the chicken when I visited my cousin.
Around the same time, still at elementary school, having a girlfriend was a must in order to be ‘accepted’; but I didn’t. I was liked by the girls, and even the most popular and rich ones would end up approaching me and exchanging phone numbers and sometimes sharing the school seats. It ends there though. That was a miraculous ability for the boys, I never figured out this super power till high school.
Though I was bombarded by the girls all the time, I never felt the urge to take it to the next level. Instead I had my eyes fixed on this boy. He was in a different class. He was a rich kid as I concluded from his fancy new clothes, especially his red sweater and his mama’s grey BMW car. He was so out of my reach.
One day, one of the boys in my class invited me to come over to his place; he said he has something to show, a porn movie. To my surprise, the rich kid was invited too along with other three boys.
It was of course a heterosexual porn movie. At that time I still didn’t know about homosexuality. While watching the computer screen, I remember I never liked the face of the woman. Not that she wasn’t pretty but she seemed being in so much pain while the guy in the movie penetrated it her. He seemed having much fun than she was. I so hated that.
The boys were excited watching that. The rich guy was pressing against his crotch. He was gazing at the screen and making sounds and cheering with the kids. I knew at that time I’m different.
I used to go to the mosque those days. I was having nightmares because of the porn movie I watched. It was so disgusting. I would go to the mosque and pray for so long asking God to make me forget; to take out of my memory those scenes. It never worked.
It hit me later that it must me the same thing that happens between cocks and chickens and that made me even feel worst against sex and heterosexuality. In my head I constantly felt that it’s unfair against the females as they get in pain while the males are having an orgasm.
I’m 19 now and still drowning myself in homosexual mental dreams. Though I now know that that woman in the porn movie was having a good time too even if her face and the sounds she was making didn’t seem like it.
I still have wet dreams picturing myself with that rich kid but I know it will always remain a dream.
By Wassif* [a nickname]